The scoring formula (transparent + simple)

This calculator estimates two core signals: Bonding Anxiety and Bonding Avoidance. Each slider contributes a little to one or both signals. Then we place you on a simple “map”: low vs high anxiety, and low vs high avoidance.

Every slider is 1–10. We first normalize each slider into a 0–1 scale: n = (value − 1) / 9. Then we blend them into Anxiety and Avoidance using weights. Some sliders are protective (like Trust and Openness), so they reduce anxiety/avoidance.

• Anxiety drivers: Need for reassurance (22%), Fear of rejection (22%), Conflict intensity (12%), Low repair after distance (16%), Low trust (18%), Low closeness comfort (10%).
• Avoidance drivers: Preference for independence (26%), Low emotional openness (20%), Low closeness comfort (20%), Low trust (18%), Conflict intensity (10%), Low repair after distance (6%).

After we compute Anxiety and Avoidance (0–100), we classify by simple thresholds: 0–44 = low, 45–100 = high.

• Low Anxiety + Low Avoidance → Secure (steady, flexible bonding)
• High Anxiety + Low Avoidance → Anxious (craves closeness, fears loss)
• Low Anxiety + High Avoidance → Avoidant (values distance, protects independence)
• High Anxiety + High Avoidance → Fearful‑Avoidant (wants closeness, expects pain)

The Bonding Score is a simple “steady bonding” index. It’s higher when both Anxiety and Avoidance are lower. We compute: BondingScore = 100 − (0.55 × Anxiety + 0.45 × Avoidance), clamped to 0–100. Why these weights? Anxiety tends to create more immediate distress (rumination, reassurance loops), while avoidance tends to show up as distance (withdrawal, emotional shutdown). Both matter; anxiety is slightly heavier.

What different slider patterns look like

Example A: “Mostly Secure”

• Closeness 8, Openness 8, Trust 7
• Reassurance 4, Rejection 3, Independence 5
• Conflict 4, Repair 7

Anxiety stays low (rejection worries are low), avoidance stays low (closeness and openness are high). The tool will likely return Secure with a Bonding Score around the 70–90 range depending on the blend.

Example B: “Anxious Lean”

• Reassurance 8, Rejection 8, Trust 4
• Closeness 7, Openness 6 (you want closeness, you share feelings)
• Conflict 7, Repair 4 (hard to calm after distance)

Anxiety runs high: fear and reassurance needs are strong. Avoidance may stay moderate/low because closeness is still comfortable. The result often becomes Anxious or “Anxious‑Secure” with one or two targeted next steps.

Example C: “Avoidant Lean”

• Independence 8, Openness 3, Closeness 3
• Rejection 3, Reassurance 3 (not much worry)
• Conflict 6, Trust 5, Repair 5

Avoidance is high because closeness and emotional sharing feel uncomfortable. Anxiety is low because there’s less fear of rejection. The tool tends to return Avoidant.

Example D: “Fearful‑Avoidant”

• Reassurance 8, Rejection 8 (strong fear) + Independence 8, Openness 3 (strong distance)
• Trust 3, Closeness 4, Repair 3, Conflict 8

Both signals are high: the person wants closeness but expects pain, so bonding becomes a push‑pull. The tool will likely return Fearful‑Avoidant and recommend steadier repair and safer closeness.

What each bonding style usually means

These styles are not permanent identities. They’re learned protection strategies. They can shift with therapy, healthier relationships, life stress, and skills like communication and repair. Use this snapshot as a starting point for curiosity: “When I feel close to someone, what do I fear — and what do I do next?”

Secure bonding means you can handle closeness and space without spiraling. You trust that disconnection is temporary, and you tend to repair directly. People with a secure leaning still get triggered — but they recover faster and ask clearly.

• Strengths: flexible closeness, direct repair, emotional steadiness.
• Watch‑outs: “over‑functioning” (always being the stable one) or staying too long in mismatched dynamics.

Anxious bonding often means closeness feels very important, but uncertainty feels threatening. Common patterns include rumination, reassurance seeking, and “reading the room” for signs something is wrong. Under stress, anxious bonding can intensify contact and questions — which can accidentally overwhelm partners.

• Strengths: high sensitivity, commitment, emotional depth.
• Watch‑outs: chasing closeness when the best move is to self‑soothe, and assuming distance means rejection.

Avoidant bonding often means independence feels safer than intimacy. The person might be warm and capable, but when emotions rise they prefer to downshift, go quiet, or handle things alone. Under stress, avoidant bonding can look like “shut down” or “I’m fine” while internally feeling flooded.

• Strengths: self‑reliance, calm under pressure, boundaries.
• Watch‑outs: emotional distance, minimizing needs, and skipping repair conversations that build trust.

Fearful‑avoidant bonding is a push‑pull pattern: closeness is desired, but it also feels unsafe. This can create cycles of reaching out, panicking, withdrawing, and then feeling lonely again. The good news: this style is highly responsive to stable relationships, nervous system regulation, and repair skills.

• Strengths: intense capacity for closeness, insight, resilience.
• Watch‑outs: rapid swings, mistrust, and interpreting normal conflict as proof of danger.

3 practical ways to make it useful

• Track patterns weekly: Save a snapshot once a week. Look for trends — not single‑day “labels.”
• Pick one lever: Improve the lowest protective slider (Trust, Openness, Closeness comfort, Repair) by 1 point.
• Practice repair: A 2‑minute repair talk often changes everything: “That felt tense. I care about us. Can we reset?”

• “I’m noticing I’m getting activated. I want to stay connected.”
• “Can we do a 10‑minute check‑in later today?”
• “I might need a short break, but I’m not leaving — I’ll come back.”

If this tool brings up strong emotions, that’s information — not a problem. Consider using it with journaling or with a therapist, especially if you notice repeated cycles that feel hard to interrupt.

Frequently Asked Questions

• Is this the same as an “attachment style test”?

  It’s related, but simpler. Attachment assessments can be long and clinical. This is a lightweight snapshot that estimates the two core signals (Anxiety and Avoidance) and returns a common style label for self‑reflection.

• Can my bonding style change?

  Yes. Styles are learned patterns. They often shift as your relationships, stress levels, and skills change — especially with consistent repair, healthier partners, and support (therapy/coaching).

• What if my result doesn’t feel accurate?

  Use it as a prompt: “Which slider doesn’t fit me?” Adjust it and see how the map changes. This tool can’t capture every nuance: culture, trauma history, neurodiversity, and context all matter.

• Should I share my result with my partner?

  If it feels safe, it can be helpful — especially if you frame it as “This is how I get triggered” rather than “This is who I am.” A simple share might be: “I’m working on my reassurance loop; can we build a check‑in habit?”

• Does a low Bonding Score mean my relationship is doomed?

  No. It means your nervous system may be doing a lot of protection work. Many relationships improve quickly when people learn repair skills, slow down escalations, and create predictable connection.